Now the plan was to hawk Aunt Peg around The Hill showing her off from every logical angle, legs crossed, legs uncrossed and legs in general. Frontage silhouetted against the school clock. A pout that would unblock a sink or plug up a hole in a battleship. This was to be my moment but - first I had to unload my mum, and most certainly Uncle Reg on the Warden for an hour or two or the school chaplain for the entire stay. Wasn't gonna be easy...
So they arrived.Mum staggering under the weight of liquorice all sorts, Uncle Reg staggering unaided into walls but - NO Aunt Peg !!!
"Mom ! Aunt Peg ! Where is she, my school cred hangs on it !!
Well sorry to have to tell you son, but she got hit by a bus last week. The bus is alright but Aunt Peg leg's aren't and in plaster.
"What !! Not BOTH legs ! Tell me it wasn't BOTH legs mum - Reg - anybody !
What's the difference son, one leg, both legs, she's in plaster
Yeah, but she could have hopped here had the bloody bus driver swerved in time, dammit Ma, you're gonna have to dump Reg, stand in and put on a bit of style, 180 kids are depending on it, Aunt Peg was to by redemption and their first and last thoughts and inspiration after lights out !
So,mum,every bit the exhibitionist as her son and every bit the dipso as Uncle Reg, swanned around the school in and amongst the boys and their visiting mums, Aunts Uncles,Cousins and you name it as I choreographed my mums every move.
Right mum, Now ! left leg over right, SLOWLY! - The pout, don't forget the pout.Chest out, middle in - the hips ! sway the hips, well your good one anyway - forget Reg, we'll pick him up off the floor on our way back - that's it mum, let it all out - Mum! not literally ! - right, adjust suspender...wait for it...wait for it...NOW !Well that's the Padre happy, here comes the Music Teacher - get ready, other suspender... NOW !!!
And so yep, like all good mums, well those with legs to die for anyway, my mum came to the rescue amongst great bouts of pouting and flashing of stocking tops at the same time as supporting uncle Reg as Aunt Peg overdosed on grapes and Lucozade in ward 10 for has been posers in the Hammersmith hospital.